Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
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Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
(Gaming support cat.)
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.