mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
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TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.