MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
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“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks