Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.