@TweetsByTheTony The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
@markydoodoo Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
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@TweetsByTheTony 
@DaveSirus The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
@avainwordland I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
@dafloydsta [first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
@DesiJed I will never stop laughing at this
@ChefRonSullivan Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
@KeetPotato “if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
@RandomAntics When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
@SoVeryBritish Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
@JosesLovesYou For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.