mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
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To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
The biggest mystery of our time
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Ferrari squats
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.