ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.