media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
This why you should mind your business
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.