MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never