MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
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I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My spirit animal is fried chicken
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.