*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
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Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.