*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

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Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.


Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.


I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume


Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.


Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!


I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.


LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?


Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.


*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*


What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else