Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?