medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
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Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Would you wear it?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.