medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
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She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.