Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
You Might Also Like
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.