me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger