medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!