medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Thursday Thought.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes