Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.