Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
📽️movie date🎞️
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.