Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
pizza
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.