@TheCatWhisprer

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

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@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@Old_Pat_Bren

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

@UNDEADTRESOR

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

@VerifiedDrunk

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

@dshack8

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

@mrjohndarby

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes