[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”