[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.


The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.


If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.


*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.


“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”



Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time



The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.


me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes