Meeeee too!
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
back to work
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.