Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies