Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
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I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.