I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?