@bornmiserable

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

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@3sunzzz

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

@Faungirl123

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

@atDevin

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

@tylerschmall

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

@dimplesticks

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

@WayHinthesky

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

@JohnLyonTweets

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

@LibertyLayne01

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?