Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Usage Guidelines
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Got ya covered
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder