Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I’m a self-made hundredaire
the answer was staring at me all along
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
But is it really??