Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I love it all
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper