Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
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There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
tell em, edith-anne
@funTweeters
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Love is always patient and kind.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.