{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
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Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
What the dentist sees
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.