Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
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‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
B
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Bring back the McRib
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.