[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
😬
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂