*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice