[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
You Might Also Like
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
That took me a moment.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
me refusing to leave twitter
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”