[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
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Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.