(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Seek kebab; not attention
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.