[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious