*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

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Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one


Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips


Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what



Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.


ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”


First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!


USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about


When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.


[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes


Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.