[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
You Might Also Like
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]