[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
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The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands