[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
You Might Also Like
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
me before I type out affect or effect
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day