(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.