[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
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Me *taking long drag on cigarette: βKids, funerals arenβt really for the dead you know. Theyβre for the livingβ
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: βWe are gathered here today to…βMe *furiously banging on coffin lid: βThis is not what I meant!β
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before youβve even barely woken up
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Wife: I didnβt buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okayβ¦
W: You have no idea, do you?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
HARRY POTTER: π
DUMBLEDORE: π
VOLDEMORT: : (
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
πππππππππππππ
βI do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.β
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My vibe can loosely be described as βneeds 2-day shipping for a book I probably wonβt read for 7 monthsβ.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.