[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
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[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.