Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
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People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
This one’s “Alex”.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here