[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
You Might Also Like
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters