*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
work smarter, not harder
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”