[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
You Might Also Like
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
ACED my prostate exam!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁