[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
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if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!