[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”